Do you want this?
God, who wouldn't?
Then you should look like this:
It's a well known fact that all men are attracted to women who look like small children. Really, the age range you should be trying to represent is between 4 and 6 years old. (Any older and it's just fucking creepy.)
Let's analyze this look.
What's best is that you'll look like every other girl in Williamsburg. Men looooove dull, consistency.
Ok, so you've drawn in him with those baby doll eyes and smeared red lipstick...now to take him home.
Make sure your loft is filled with prints of animals doing human things and children with large heads. THIS IS CRUCIAL.
And don't forget one of these,
Now put your vinyls away and turn the Sirius radio to the only station that matters.
"Nothing but music left of the mainstream. Hear today's indie rock from artists like Grizzly Bear, Arcade Fire, Vampire Weekend, Pixies and more."
His favorite.
For the love of God, don't bring up anything that isn't on the playlist. If he finds out that your taste in music is varied and diverse, he will immediately become confused and leave. Actually, that pretty much sums everything up. Keep to the script, try not to intimidate him by bringing up anything "weird" and be prepared to have a titillating conversation about Bukowski.
Again.
I went to Bonnaroo last week.
Jesus, I can hear you scoffing from all the way across the internet.
I used to be you.
I will not even attempt to tell you about it because no matter what I say I cannot convey how utterly amazing my experience was. You will never know unless you see for yourself.
Here's a list of the bands I saw
Baroness
Neon Indian
Blitzen Trapper
Tokyo Police Club
Conan O'Brian
The Gaslight Anthem
Carolina Chocolate Drops
Damian Marley and Nas
She & Him
Dr. Dog
The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
Steve Martin & The Steep Canyon Rangers
The National
The Flaming Lips
Kid Cudi
The Crystal Method
Jimmy Cliff
Isis
The Melvins
Thievery Corporation
GWAR
Japandroids
Lucero
Against Me!
John Fogerty
And Jay-Z
Ok, HOVA changed my life. I'm not kidding. I can now divide my life into before seeing Jay-Z and after seeing Jay-Z. It was that fucking amazing.
Jealous yet?
So boys and girls, spend the money and come sweat it out with me next year at Bonnaroo's 10 year anniversary!
Am I the only one tired of looking at this shit?
Yawn.
I swear to God I've been looking at this for 10 years. I think we've reinvented the owl in every way imaginable. So for all you hipsters ready to hop to the next thing, here it is.
Yes, the elephant. The epitome of strength and elegance. The most respected beast on the savanna. Seriously, even lions know not to fuck with elephants. Wikipedia even tells me that they symbolize wisdom. Just like those goddamned owls. They're smart too. Check it out.
I can tell I'm losing you. Look! Something cute!
So take my advice and be in style this summer. And when you see this poppin' up everywhere, don't forget who told you.
Girls in Dresses
And one girl not in a dress
Hawt
suicidegirls
By Brandon Bird
Stay tuned for "The Internet is Weird: Youtube edition"
Posted by
Holly Hoodrat
4:36 PM
You remember those girls who loved dolphins in elementary school.
Well, she grew up to love Phish.
Don't be that girl.
Cute Funny Indie Girl
