Do you want this?
God, who wouldn't?
Then you should look like this:
It's a well known fact that all men are attracted to women who look like small children. Really, the age range you should be trying to represent is between 4 and 6 years old. (Any older and it's just fucking creepy.)
Let's analyze this look.
What's best is that you'll look like every other girl in Williamsburg. Men looooove dull, consistency.
Ok, so you've drawn in him with those baby doll eyes and smeared red lipstick...now to take him home.
Make sure your loft is filled with prints of animals doing human things and children with large heads. THIS IS CRUCIAL.
And don't forget one of these,
Now put your vinyls away and turn the Sirius radio to the only station that matters.
"Nothing but music left of the mainstream. Hear today's indie rock from artists like Grizzly Bear, Arcade Fire, Vampire Weekend, Pixies and more."
His favorite.
For the love of God, don't bring up anything that isn't on the playlist. If he finds out that your taste in music is varied and diverse, he will immediately become confused and leave. Actually, that pretty much sums everything up. Keep to the script, try not to intimidate him by bringing up anything "weird" and be prepared to have a titillating conversation about Bukowski.
Again.
I went to Bonnaroo last week.
Jesus, I can hear you scoffing from all the way across the internet.
I used to be you.
I will not even attempt to tell you about it because no matter what I say I cannot convey how utterly amazing my experience was. You will never know unless you see for yourself.
Here's a list of the bands I saw
Baroness
Neon Indian
Blitzen Trapper
Tokyo Police Club
Conan O'Brian
The Gaslight Anthem
Carolina Chocolate Drops
Damian Marley and Nas
She & Him
Dr. Dog
The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
Steve Martin & The Steep Canyon Rangers
The National
The Flaming Lips
Kid Cudi
The Crystal Method
Jimmy Cliff
Isis
The Melvins
Thievery Corporation
GWAR
Japandroids
Lucero
Against Me!
John Fogerty
And Jay-Z
Ok, HOVA changed my life. I'm not kidding. I can now divide my life into before seeing Jay-Z and after seeing Jay-Z. It was that fucking amazing.
Jealous yet?
So boys and girls, spend the money and come sweat it out with me next year at Bonnaroo's 10 year anniversary!
Am I the only one tired of looking at this shit?
Yawn.
I swear to God I've been looking at this for 10 years. I think we've reinvented the owl in every way imaginable. So for all you hipsters ready to hop to the next thing, here it is.
Yes, the elephant. The epitome of strength and elegance. The most respected beast on the savanna. Seriously, even lions know not to fuck with elephants. Wikipedia even tells me that they symbolize wisdom. Just like those goddamned owls. They're smart too. Check it out.
I can tell I'm losing you. Look! Something cute!
So take my advice and be in style this summer. And when you see this poppin' up everywhere, don't forget who told you.
Posted by
Holly Hoodrat
4:36 PM
You remember those girls who loved dolphins in elementary school.
Well, she grew up to love Phish.
Don't be that girl.
Summer Footwear
Whatever. I'm over sandals too.
Don't pretend you aren't going to any summer festivals and aren't going to need rain boots. Just tell the clerk you need them for working in your organic garden.
Wear these with pedal pushers or "cropped pants" as I believe they're called these days. With tights in the winter, natch.
God, I'm so tired of seeing those big ass gladiator heels everywhere. Unless you're a drag queen into S&M, espadrilles will do just fine.
Yeah, yeah...I got the memo. "All black everything". Exactly why you should show up wearing purple.
Hey everyone...do you want to be the envy of all your friends? Do you want to throw down an indie trump at the upcoming summer block party?
It's time to get into silent films.
While not THE first science fiction movie,
(That title goes to this)
I think Metropolis can be considered the first groundbreaking movie in science fiction. Filmed in 1927 and set in a bleak, dystopian future, Metropolis takes the then blossoming idea of the class wars and presents it in a striking, horrifying melodrama.
Atop his "New Tower of Babel" the founder of Metropolis, John Fredersen, watches his glittering future-city sprawled out beneath him at the same time as his son is exploring the underground of Metropolis in hopes of finding out how the other half lives. Daddy's little socialist.
Freder is horrified when he witnesses a factory explosion and it triggers a series of bizarre visions that include "Moloch" the deity to which the workers are sacrificed, seeing himself crucified to a clock and this-
I think opium was still en vogue at the time.
While underground Freder falls in love with the vision that is Maria as she is telling the workers the story of the Tower of Babel. She explains that they must wait for "the mediator" to unite the workers and the "planners"; hand, heart and mind.
She's probably really great with animals too.
Meanwhile, in the aftermath of the factory explosion, Fredersen has discovered plans involving maps of the city in the pockets of the dead workers.
Damn straight.
Fredersen hires mad scientist, Rotwang, to kidnap Maria and turn his "machine man" into her likeness in order to implant suspicion and distrust amongst the workers. However, Rotwang hates Fredersen (because of a girl or something) and has some ulterior motives up his sleeve. He gives the robot Maria's body and turns her loose upon the city. Things get sexual. Men kill themselves from the sheer insanity of it.
The workers leave their stations and the city eventually floods, killing all of the workers children. They come to the logical conclusion that it is the sex goddess, Maria's fault and burn her at the stake.
The End.
No, not really. Freder and the real Maria rescue the children and robot Maria turns back into Hel the robot. And Freder throws Rotwang off a building. Maria and Freder unite Fredesen and Grot (the leader of the workers) thus turning themselves into the mediators. Think more Max Weber, less Karl Marx.
The special effects in this movie blew my mind. Not what I was expecting at all. To call it "sweeping" is an understatement. Director Fritz Lang used roughly 38,000 extras in the production. There are about 11 different versions of the film because so much footage has been lost and found over the years, but do yourself a favor and get a version that uses the original score and not the version released in 1984 featuring Pat Benetar and Freddie Mercury. Not really what we're going for here.
My favorite part has got to be the robot, Hel
Why am I so attracted to this robot?
You need to have a decent amount of patience to get all the way through this. It is a silent film after all and it can drag at times. Also, the dramatic overacting can be a bit much at times but that was the style of the time. Stage actors transitioning to film and whatnot.
So set aside 200 minutes or so and watch a great movie. Or just repeat this information at the next gathering you attend and watch as you become the coolest person in the room.
Related Material:
Books-The Jungle, The Great Gatsby, The Time Machine
Movies- 2001: A Space Odyssey, Fantastic Planet, Blade Runner
Music- Bix Beiderbecke, Woody Guthrie, Dead Kennedys
Art- Lee Lawrie, Pierre-Felix Fix-Masseau
