Dating & Style Advice

Posted by Holly Hoodrat , Tuesday, December 14, 2010 8:42 PM

Do you want this?

God, who wouldn't?

Then you should look like this:

It's a well known fact that all men are attracted to women who look like small children. Really, the age range you should be trying to represent is between 4 and 6 years old. (Any older and it's just fucking creepy.)

Let's analyze this look.

What's best is that you'll look like every other girl in Williamsburg. Men looooove dull, consistency. 

Ok, so you've drawn in him with those baby doll eyes and smeared red to take him home.

Make sure your loft is filled with prints of animals doing human things and children with large heads. THIS IS CRUCIAL.

And don't forget one of these,

(Um, I found this on along with 3 other elephant prints. Ahem... )

Now put your vinyls away and turn the Sirius radio to the only station that matters. 

"Nothing but music left of the mainstream. Hear today's indie rock from artists like Grizzly Bear, Arcade Fire, Vampire Weekend, Pixies and more."

His favorite. 

For the love of God, don't bring up anything that isn't on the playlist. If he finds out that your taste in music is varied and diverse, he will immediately become confused and leave. Actually, that pretty much sums everything up. Keep to the script, try not to intimidate him by bringing up anything "weird" and be prepared to have a titillating conversation about Bukowski.